For my mother, in case she still reads this blog thing…
What do you want to work on next in your life? What areas do you need healing with?
I need to come to terms with the past and find closure.
I’ve forgiven some people without hesitation and reservation even when they did me the dirtiest. The cheater, I forgave. I accepted the apology of the liar. I brushed off the wrongdoings of the manipulators and the backstabbers, the ones who broke the pinky promises and “Indian-givers”. We became friends again, lovers once more. I put my pride aside and drowned myself in Bible quotes on forgiveness when my guilt got the best of me and accepted apologies for the sake of the other person. It wasn’t about me – it was always about them, and when I got fucked over again and again, I wondered what good was forgiveness, really. I was in a state of confusion and wondered for the longest why do we hurt people that love us and love people that hurt us?
It became easier for me to remove myself in my entirety and harbor ill feelings. At least I thought it was. The things I ran away from or avoided, manifested itself into dreams and found me there soon after. Every night, the same dream featuring the same people and the same scenarios. I tried not to sleep; yeah, right. I tried to wake myself up when I hit the hard parts but life does this thing where it’ll show you the easy route isn’t always been the best route. Eventually, you got to face the facts and stop running or hiding under the covers. You got to see that your way of doing things may be detrimental to your own progression. The same wall you build up to keep others out may be the same wall that crumbles and crushes you. So you stop being a hard ass and quit being stubborn and you deal with the hard shit headfirst.
And this is where I am now.
Mahatma Gandhi said, “the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” I don’t know if I’m weak or I’m strong based off of that quote because see, as I write this with tears I can’t get rid of, I’m in a state on limbo on my own relationship with my own mother. It’s been 14 months since we last had a conversation. Fourteen months of separation, with absolutely no contact, a strained relationship now broken. Aside from the dreams, I realized I had to figure out this forgiveness thing when the problem still existed once the wine wore off. I had to do something when I caught myself saying the same exact things to my children, the same exact way my own mom did twenty-something years ago. Out of hurt, I didn’t want to discuss her but from time to time, caught myself saying, my mother used to do the same thing! with a tone of excitement, feeling nostalgic as I was taken back to holidays and birthdays and random Sundays.
She was still there even though she wasn’t there. In me. I was her. I am her.
My coach asked me some hard questions that broke me to the core. What parts of yourself remind you of your mom? How can you love those same parts in yourself that you loathe in her? How do you avoid spiraling into the parts I dislike? And I hated those fucking questions. Because I had to dig and find answers in order to find forgiveness. I had to submit to reality and let go of things that weren’t serving my spirit.
I wonder how I can teach the boys about the importance of apologizing and forgiveness when their own mother does not practice what she preaches. The last thing I want is to be a walking contradiction, epitomizing hypocrisy. I hear it all the time, you only get one mom; it’s true. But I also have one life to live and I want to make sure I’m living it according to how I see fit, on my terms that fulfills my quota on happiness.
So Ma, if you’re reading this, I forgive you – because I’ve come to terms with things and forgave myself. This is not about you; this is about and for me but know that there aren’t any emotions of malice on my part. It’s easier to live this way. I feel good (with the tears still present) writing this, but more than anything, I’m in my state of liberation and this is one of many things I need to accomplish in order to move on emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Finding forgiveness has been hard but living a life of avoidance and disconnect has been harder.