“For the Woman Who Desires Freedom, Ease, & Sacredness In Sex”
It was something that caught my eye over a cup of beef noodles as I read my timeline during a lunch break. It was from a writer I’ve been following and secretly admired, retweeting her work for a while and clicked the link that followed. I read the words carefully: a call for women to “connect with their innate sensuality, how to manifest their Divine Feminine energy,” and the opportunity to explore, “what it might be like to fully open up to their erotic potential.” In continuing on my journey of not being afraid and taking risks, I applied for the opportunity to work alongside the sensuality coach, opening up to her about my personal and erotic life (which came easy as a writer) and waited for the follow-up email. As a writer, I want to expand on topics I blog about. As a woman, I honestly need a little tweaking in the sexuality department. Yep, I said it.
Listen. I’ve always been aware of how awesome and amazing the body is from the moment I started to grow breasts and my hips started to spread and my curves came in but it was in the moment I found myself lying on a hospital bed, ready to deliver life into this world without an epidural, when I said, “Damn. A woman’s body is incredible.” But, it took me a little time to get back into the groove of things with Rob, when after a month of Mommyhood, I realized my body wasn’t going to just bounce back like the young girls down the block that made the weight loss look effortless, and my aunt?! Tuh. After four children, her body is back like it never left and deep down, I both loved and envied that. My daily schedule never permitted me time in the gym where I could showcase a summer body and be on Instagram straight flexing. Good God, I grew into a slumber and my personal views on my image effected my life, even when I did receive reassurance from my partner that I was still beautiful. I heard it, but I didn’t feel it and not feeling it when my partner was in the mood became a regular thing that consequently effected my relationship. Sex really isn’t everything – there are other things that can take the #1 & #2 spots on my list – but is it a huge deal to factor into your relationship? Absolutely, especially when intimacy is involved.
Anyway, in the days in between pressing Submit and waiting for a reply, I found myself coincidently surrounded by all things sexuality – from the repeat episode of Love & Hip-Hop NY with Who Are You Again Rashida Ali shaming urban model Tahiry on being single because of what she did as a profession, to being scolded by a male friend for not keeping it real with a close girlfriend that I refused to let know “was acting like a hoe”. Oh, and let me not forget the one hundred-forty character dissertations and conversations at work about how overtly sexual Beyoncé was during her opening performance at The Grammys. Beyoncé “exposed too much of herself as a woman and more importantly, as a mother” and so, never mind the fact that the song that was performed was about waking up in your kitchen after a night of intoxicated marital-bliss intercourse, and straddling your husband’s prized possession in a bathtub and him having your post-baby breastses for breakfast.
Never mind the fact that the woman should be applauded and commended for getting back down to a size 2/4 after a pregnancy. Ahh, none of that matters. Somehow, the silly little mortals of the world thought it’d be best for her to perform a hit song in something similar to what Pink wore for her repetitive cirque du soleil piece. According to the randoms behind at signs on Twitter, Pink’s performance was more about “art” (give it up for the aerial silk) whereas Beyoncé’s performance about her happily married sex life in a chair was distasteful. Two cakey women in two similar body suits. Did the props make the difference?
I’m confused. Why should a thirty-two year old woman perform a sexual song in a fully-covered suit and tie – no pun intended? A married woman was called a whore. The shit’s crazy. And what bugs me out more is, the male friend who reprimanded me for not “being 100” with my homegirl about her personal life behind close doors. What am I supposed to tell another grown woman about her body and what she chooses to do with it? It’s no one’s business what happens in my bed unless I so chose to put that to the forefront and guess what? Even if I did decide to write about it, sing about it, express myself through dance about it, speak to people in tongues about it, it’s still my prerogative to live how I want to live within the four corners of my walls. I shouldn’t be condemned for being an adult that likes to have sex. I shouldn’t be called a whore because I like to relive Flashdance moments for my man on our couch. Let me shake my kinda-sorta-phatty and wear my barely-there lacy lingerie in peace.
Sometimes the judgement makes me wonder, what isn’t happening behind closed doors in some of these households? Y’all ain’t getting any. Who are you to say someone is less of a feminist, a mother, a woman, just because they’re expressing themselves, their love for someone and their sexuality how they see fit?
Men and women throw the word hoe around so often now, that just about anything that’s done will result in slut-shaming. This has to be documented as a fact somewhere. The definitions vary by person, ranging from how one dresses to how many unprotected sexual partners a woman’s had in a period of time. Whatever the official definition is, why can’t a woman just enjoy being intimate however she feels comfortable, with whomever she wants to?
Look. I applaud any woman who embraces their womanhood in a light that makes you want to get in touch with your own wild side. I can’t even deny, listening to Bey’s new album bought out something in me. Listening to Janet Jackson’s Velvet Rope album as a teenager, did something to me. Listening to Sade period, makes me feel away. Those are the women I love. Be open and own it. Be real and raw with it. Allow yourself to be comfortable in your skin. You define your sexy. People don’t have to like it for as long as you love it and things will always be said no matter how much good has been done, so fuck it. Just live your life. Simple.
And in closing out my week and month, I received the reply email I waited for. My application was accepted and next week, I’ll embark on my journey with Ev`Yan Whitney of Sex, Love, Liberation. I won’t be documenting much of my experience but I might blog about some of the changes I hope to undergo here and there. I’m excited to tap into a deeply buried side of myself and try something new.
What’s sexy to you? What’s over the top?
(And how many of y’all have alter egos in the bedroom? I need a Inner-Freak nickname.)
((Shout out to my homegirl mi love long time + Day 1 Everything EnJ supporter, Kimi of V For Vadge for her amazing sex education site. Please check it out!))