New Text: Krys, 2:58am. “Did U get home OK? U left W/O telling any1.”
I didn’t reply to her text or pick up her call because for the past two weeks, Krys played therapist, advising me that I needed to rid of you through club scenes, tequila shots, journal entries and sex with anyone other than you. She said she needed the old me back, prior to your existence in my house and in my panties. I was a bore, too caught up in my feelings. But the club scenes didn’t phase me, especially since I wasn’t an undergrad in college anymore, the tequila shots put me in a slumber and had me strolling down memory lane whether I liked it or not. The journal entries are only of you with no growth in between the pages. I can’t bring myself to give all of me to someone because I remember telling you this shit is yours, promising not to give it away, even though you’re the one who’s off living. How dare I press Pause on my life when you’re still on Play, carrying on? You know, if she knew you were here, she’d drag me away from the very thing that caused her to stay up at night consoling a broken heart, but see the cosmos knows how to work things so that there’s no interruption in what needs to be happen regardless of feelings.
It’s a surprise to me you’re here, but the universe set this up and I’m open and receptive to what this moment will bring. You, two fifty in the morning, in my face. And I want to take you inside – the house and in me. I have no words but I know that I can show you better than I can tell you how mentally messed up I’ve been. How your presence has this undeniable hold, haunting my every move.
In the seconds silence stood between us, with cold air from my mouth that I have yet to close from shock, I wanted nothing more than to brush my face against the stubble of your cheek. It would give me the greatest satisfaction if you would just open your coat and invite me in and we just stand there – snow falling on us, me falling into you, you falling for me all over again. But you’re still waiting on an answer although you left a sister hanging for weeks on end. Again, I just do what I’m told or what you expect of me. You want a response, you get a response.
I don’t know. Where have you been?
It doesn’t matter. I’m here now, ain’t I?
And any other time, I’d say F that and demand more to the answer, but I just wanted to do nasty things to you. I keep my head low, avoiding flurries in my eyes and inch myself in your direction. I grab your hand and at 3:10 when that call came in, all I could do was press Decline. I should’ve told my heart the same thing – DECLINE, NO, DON’T DO THIS, REJECT THE EMOTIONS, FIGHT THE FEELINGS – the moment you slid your coat off, pushed my dress up, pulled my lace boy shorts to the side and had me arching into angles. The living room was our playground and I was your toy. You want me, you get me. It’s always so easy for you. It’s constantly hard for me dealing with the aftermath of a failed relationship and I’m tired of trying to function in the dysfunction.
So you handled me with ease, but I fucked you out of frustration. You asked me softly how rough did I want it. How much did I miss you and how lonely have I been. How badly did you hurt me and how desperately did I need you. Too many questions that I couldn’t reply to because I was out of breath and the pillow that I pressed my face into prevented me from saying a word.
I licked you to keep you on the tip of my tongue when I wanted to say your name but couldn’t because my girlfriends were tired of hearing about you. I nibbled on your neck and scratched your skin to carry your flesh around when you’d leave. I pushed your face into places and came the moment your nose rubbed on my clitoris. You let out that groan that I like when I sat on it in reverse and squeezed with my walls. It wasn’t the same but Lord knows I needed it. Your body on my couch and your voice cradling me into a dream. You were right; you were here and it was good enough.
New Text: Krys, 8:01am. “Hope UR alright. Call me when U wake up. I just wanna let U know I’m proud of UR progress. I know it’s been rough not having JR around but remember… Baby steps. Focus forward. xo, k.“
Reading that pierced my spirit and I threw up all of last night and this morning’s festivities. I back peddled on the promise I made to my best friend and reneged on the agreement I mentally signed to myself. I needed you to go, to think, and I guess you figured that out before I did because you left without a trace. No text, no handwritten note that I don’t know why I looked for because men don’t do those anymore. The house was quiet yet again and I sat over my garbage pail, wrapped in the sheets that you and I played in hours before, looking sexy and feeling stupid.
Momma always said a woman’s intuition was never to be ignored and the universe told me flat out, to hell with your feelings.